Talking to Children

Children are smart, they know when something is going on even when adults around them are trying to hide it. Children also have an uncanny ability to believe that everything bad is somehow connected to them or their fault. 

Silence can lead to misunderstanding 

 When someone is dying, there's often silence in the home, whispering, crying, and discussions that don't involve children. This kind of activity can lead a child to believe things that aren't true. They end up thinking things are a lot worse than they really are. 

Allowing children to talk 

While knowledge and understanding of death is different for each child, depending on age and maturity, children know that death happens. Not allowing them to talk about it and to be part of it takes away their ability to participate in something that can end up meaning so much to them. 

Find out what they know 

To find out what your children know and don't know about dying, you need to talk to them. You might be surprised about some of their ideas and thoughts. Children may have misconceptions they picked up because they misheard something that was said or something they saw. 

With so much about death and dying on TV and in movies, not to mention the nightly news - we have no idea how the children interpret it all. 

When to talk to children 

The best time to talk about death and dying to your children is before it happens to someone they love. Although it may seem morbid, it isn't if it's approached in ways that show up in every day life. In the fall, the leaves on the trees die and fall to the ground. Sometimes birds or animals are found on the side of the road, or one of their classmates' dog dies; these are all good grounds for starting a conversation about death. 

It's not morbid or scary, just matter of fact that all living things eventually die. 

Books 

There are many good books on death and dying that were written specifically for children. The books speak to the children in a way that they can understand and identify. If one happens to catch your attention while browsing in a bookstore or someone mentioned one, consider buying it and sharing it with your children. 

Answering questions 

The most ideal time to talk to children about many different topics is when they ask about them. Although you may be busy or not in the mood to talk when they ask, it truly is the best time. Some parents make the mistake of thinking that their children are too young to learn about death and dying. If they were too young though, they wouldn't be asking. 

You don't need to go into any long discussions. By just answering the questions, you are accepting your child's quest for knowledge and you are acknowledging it. 

Learning is a life-long process 

Learning about death and dying is a life-long process. What we feel about death in our 40s is not necessarily what felt in our 20s. As we grow and learn, and unfortunately, experience death, we learn more about ourselves and how we feel about the end of life. Children deserve to be part of it.